drawning and sinking

I'm drawning to the bottom of the sea
The sea full of tears
The ocean full of pain

sunny cloudy

I stare I look I see nothing
I sleep and awake and sleep and awake
I awake I recall I think I still see nothing
I only know that everything is blank

The shadows back I try to make it away
I close my eyes but the shadows stay
I curse I shout I finally cry
I stay in silence and at the end I pray

It's dark it's grey it's cloudy
and I try to make it sunny
From distance I hear a melody
Make the whole things look more funny

I stare I look I still see nothing
I decided to stop crying
at the end I feel something
that I will somehow find the ending

Can't think about the title

married gay married gay go away
you're not supposed to be here, there and everywhere

Married gay married gay, the way I always say
Just to keep your shadow away

You are not real you are only in a dream
Coz if you're real...I'll follow your stream

Married gay married gay go away
Otherwise I'll beg you to stay

knife

haaaa

how many hearts have you stabbed for your ego???? I hate your simple smile and soft voice. so fucking fake..... you are like a knife... to hurt others.... I never like it

guilty stuppid pleasure

definition: a pleasure that makes you feel guilty and stupid. but somehow, it's still a pleasure.

-I feel guilty and stupid- where's my brain????

weddingku

di atas meja kulihat tumpukan weddingku
ingin rasanya kugeret pintu
atau sekalian kulempar batu
teringat betapa bodohnya aku
iya pilu sih pilu
tapi kan juga gara-gara kelakuanku

Dimana letak otakku?
sepertinya jadi membeku
kata orang sunda sih belegug
aku cuma ingin ketok-ketok pake palu
terus teriak huuuuuuuuuuuu

life oh life. if it's not comlicated, then it's not life

why lfe shold be complicated? maybe because it's life. we are not angel who has no life aren't we (like I know how an angel live anyway). Sometimes, we want sumthin and t's affordable. when we afford to buy that thing, we are no longer allowed to touch it. For example, my aunt said that when she was young, she really want to eat deicious food. when she has the money later on when she's old, diabetic and cholesterol prevent her to eat fatty, creamy and sweet food.

Someone who are crazy for us are not someone we like, someone we like belongs to someone else, and it makes the relation into chasing each other without ending. Maybe we like sum1, and he/she likes us to, but the circumstances are not supporting. example, siti nurbaya case. We like someone, he/she likes us a lot, but he/she likes his/her couple better, and they put us as second priority. geeezzzzzz

rich people wants peaceful life, poor people with peaceful life wants money. and abbove all that, there is always someone who are rich, beautiful, smart, and has someone he/she love. Look like perfect isn't it????????

Who we need is far, who we don't want to have is near. Who we want to have is in front of us, but he/she brings no good to us. the one who brings good to us is not the one we like. If a book said that why men marry bitches? could I say why women love bad boy?

just a thought when I'm tired with playing farm frenzy all day long

it's you not him

It's you, not him....
who left the scar

the one I hope could help me raising but push me down
the one I hope could keep me stand still but let me fall
just when I need someone to hold on
never thought you'll left me alone

But now I know that I'm the one who I could rely on

Stop complaining and be more grateful

I was in the taxi with my friends on the way to mall ambasador last night when I saw an old hunchbacked lady sweeping the street. I said to my friend "oh poor lady". Then he told me a story. Once he was somewhere in Jakarta seeing an old lady collecting plastic bottles and glasses. He asked her the price of plastic bottles per kilogram, and the lady said Rp. 2000/kg. My friend asked her again how many day she needs to collect one kilogram of plastic, and she said 2-3 days. The answer surprised my friend, because a lady could live up until now with an income only Rp. 2000 per 3 days! My friend again told me that the lady was cheerful and she still feel that she's blessed by saying that sometimes the owner of warung tegal before closing their stall provide her with food. She herself has a family, but she does not want to burden them therefore she prefers to work.


The story strikes me on the head and stab me on my heart. Couple of days ago, I had a great meal on one of 5 stars hotel in Jakarta. It was indeed satisfactory yet pricy. After hearing the story, I suddenly calculated that the money I spent on my luxurious lunch could support the lady for months!I feel guilty.


I feel guilty not for my passion on food, but for my ignorance upon those who are suffering. I feel guilty not for my dream in having a glorious life, but for my complaints upon -not so bad- misery in my life.


Hearing the story will not make me stop from my passion on food neither stop me on dreaming about having a glorious life and fighting for it. But, as my friend write on his ym status for couple of days, maybe me, you, us, could start to stop complaining and be more grateful for our life.

reflection

Banyak orang bilang kalo kita itu harus selalu berjalan ke depan...terus...terus...dan terus.... berlari mengejar masa depan yang cemerlang. Begitulah biasanya nasihat orang tua. Semakin lama, persaingan untuk mendapatkan masa depan yang cemerlang itu sepertinya semakin ketat. Semua orang berlomba-lomba untuk sekolah setinggi mungkin, dan mungkin mendapatkan gaji sebesar mungkin. Sepertinya, semua yang kita punya tidak pernah cukup. Normal memang, karena kita adalah manusia biasa.


Semua orang berharap, tujuan bisa dicapai secepat mungkin, dengan cara semudah mungkin. Kayak nyetir di jalan tol aja, ngebut, mungkin mobilnya dibawa 120-140km/jam siapa tau bandung-jakarta bisa dicapai hanya dalam 1 jam saja. Tapi inget, sekencang apapun mobil kita bisa lari, semuanya punya spion. spion ini berfungsi untuk kita ngintip ke belakang, siapa tau ada yang mau nyalip, atau biar gak nabrk kalo parkir. Tapi, banyak juga yang bilang jangan terlalu sering liat spion, ntar nabrak yang di depan. which means, jangan terlalu melihat ke masa lalu biar kita bisa lebih konsentrasi ke masa depan.


Di tengah semua kesibukan, ambisi, mimpi, jadwal padet, ujian, dan lain-lain, kadang kita dah gak sempet lagi noleh ke belakang. future...future...future... itu kata kuncinya. Tapi coba deh menepi sebentar, berhenti sejenak, dan balikkan badan. Kalo dari spion kita cuma bisa liat separo-separo, kalo kita berhenti kita bisa liat lebih luas. Namanya, refleksi. Apa aja sih yang udah kita lewatin dalam perjalanan hidup kita selama ini?


Gak semuanya orang suka melihat ke belakang, karena seringkali tenryata di belakang kita itu ada kecelakaan maut dengan banyak korban jiwa. Tapi kita selamat kan melewati kecelakaan itu? Justru karena ada kecelakaan itu kan kita dapet kesempatan untuk belajar gimana menghindari kecelakaan? Atau ternyata ketika kita melihat ke belakang, kita lihat pemandangan indah, gunung, bukit, sawah, merasakan angin semilir. Membuat kita berpikir bahwa hidup yang kita lalui itu indah bukan? Atau jangan-jangan atar belakangnya pemandangan indah, tapi di jalannya ada kecelakaan. Berarti hidup itu seimbang.


See the mountain and the green hills, absorb the feeling, enjoy the moment. Remember what cause the deadly accident, learn from it, avoid it in the future.Recharge your energy, fill your soul with spirit. Now turn around. what do you see? yes still a long way to go. Now turn your car on, drive it fast but carefully and go for your destination. Next time you feel tired again, stop, and look behind. Best luck for you always.

I finally make my own shelf and the pholosophy behind it

Two of my friends said that I won’t succeed in making my new knock down book shelf and they are wrong. I DIT IT! just like a song: All by my self. You may ask why is it important for me to tell you I did it. The answer is because I found a quite interesting philosophy behind the process of making my shelf.

Those who ever visited my room know how messy it is. I decided to buy a shelf. It must be a knock down of course since I rent a room, I plan to move to another place in the next half year and a solid shelf won’t help my moving out process.

At first I was going to ask one of my friend to help me making the shelf. I did ask him actually. But then I started to think that knock down furniture is designed to make people’s life easier just like any other modern appliances. I told two of my friends that I’m going to make it all by my self, and they said I won’t make it. I don’t deny that I have a “petite” body and I have no experience before in assembling any kind o furniture. I am better in destroying stuff than making it actually. So I told my friend that I’ll try to make it first, if I failed then I’ll ask for his help. But in my heart, I really want to prove anyone who doubts me that they are WRONG. I couldn’t find a hammer so Rezka gave me some kind of wooden stick to replace it. I also borrowed Eve’s swiss army knife which was very helpful since I don’t have a screwdriver.

I used my Sunday morning to make my shelf. The manual said that it only needs one person and 30 minutes to make it. I started making it at 9.40. The first process was to put all screws in place. It was easy. I only need to use the wooden stick and the screwdriver. The next step was to attach each part to each other. That was the hardest part. I knock one side, it ruins the other side. I deal with the upper side, the lower side messed up. But I don’t want to fail, I just want to prove those who believe I’ll fail, that they’re wrong. Finally the shelf is done and it's 11.30. I need around 2 hours to finish it, and it was not even perfect. But I am highly satisfied. Why? Because I DIT IT ALL BY MY SELF. Next time I have to make a similar shelf, I'll do it better and faster.

This is the lesson I learnt and I want to share with you my friends. NEVER EVER let people decide what you can and what you can not do, what you are capable or what you are not capable of. You know your self better, you set the parameter, not others. Try your best shot first, then you decide whether you’re gonna give up or not. But NEVER EVER say give up at the very beginning. If people doubt you, prove them that they’re wrong. But the most important part is be confident to your self, trust your self. If you don’t then who will? Then show others or even the world.

End of year reflection, beginning of the year wishes

Selamat tahun baru semua!!!

Malem ini malem taun baru, tapi gw milih diem di rumah. Pengen sih keluar rumah, tapi setelah dipikir2 tiap tahun baru gw emang selalu di rumah dan posting blog pertama gw dalam tahun itu. Jadi marilah gw mulai dengan mendeskripsikan keadaan gw malem ini. Gw baru aja pulang dari liburan di pulau pramuka yang sangat menyenangkan karena gw snorkling n belajar diving meski dengan rasa panik yang ruarrrr biasa hebuoohh. hasilnya... kulit gw terbakar dengan sukses sampai gosong. Dua hari ini gw jalan terus keluar rumah. Baju boleh keren bo... mengikuti trend winter terbaru, wakakakak, tapi muka yang gak nahan. Di kantor si rezka bilang gw kayak swartepit alias piet hitam, Begitu pulang si mamah blang muka gw item banget kayak negro. Trus bintik2 itemnya bikin gw kayak dari kampung manaaaaaaaaaaa gitu. Biasanya, si mamah selalu nganjurin gw pake warna pink karena cocok ma warna kulit gw. Katanya lhoooo. Pas kulit gw menggosong, nyokap gw bilang kacamata gw yang framenya pink malah jadi aneh. Dasar bandel aja gw, semakin diomongin smeakin ngotot. Begitu ada kesempatan pergi belanja sama si mamah, gw pake kaos, baby doll, kerudung dan si kacamata pink, hampir aja sengaja beli sendal pink segala. Sebodo!!!! yang penting gw happy. Tapi begitu kakak ipar gw bilang gw kayak orang habis kemo, akhirnya di malam tahun baru ini, dengan celana pendek seharga 12.900 perak yang baru gw beli, kaos bagian gratisan, dan muka gosong mengkilap dilumuri krim madu anti iritasi, gw memutuskan untuk..... berefleksi aja ah....


Di akhir 2007, gw merekam di kepala gw dan mungkin mencatat sebagian besarnya beberapa hal yang pengen gw capai di 2008. Hal-hal itu bakal gw jadiin patokan buat ngeliat apakah idup gw dah berjalan sesuai target yang gw tetepin atau belum. Setahun yang lalu, gw nargeti buat lulus kuliah s2 gw, dapet kerja yang bikin gw bisa jalan-jalan dan pergi keliling indonesia, ngumpulin duit buat jalan2 ke luar negeri n kayaknya sih masukin punya cowo as one of the target juga deh. Sekarang, gw mau ngeliat apa aja yang dah berhasil gw capai.

Achieved:
1. Graduated: done, on time, score A

2.. Job: fun, jeans, kaos, sendal jepit, masuk jam 10 pagi, travel, new knowledge, nginep2 bergembira, dan yang paling penting... brotherhood, sisterhood dan bonding yang oke banget dimana celaan adalah bentuk kasih sayang, dan dijadiin bahan gosip adalah bentuk perhatian. Tiada hari tanpa cekakak-cekikik, karaoke atupun teriak-teriak gak jelas. Tembok, jendela bahkan AC pun berbicara. Tapi buat gw semua sangat menyenangkan. Tapi yang paling menarik si buat gw dimana setiap satu hari sebelum deadline kita semua selalu heboh nyiapin segala sesuatu buat training atau jungkir balik nyiapin proposal.... TOGETHER. Nginep2 gak jelas, ngeggosip jam 3 pagi, keliling kota tengah malem nyari antis.... how weird, how fun.

3. PAPUA!!!!!!!!!!!! BEst gift of the year. Gila booooooooo selalu didambakan meski gak pernah tau kapan bisa kesampean dan akhirnya kecapai! Gilelebo, gw seneng banget meski cuma Jayapura dan sekitarnya..

4. Tabungan buat jalan2.. Targetnya sih akhir tahun bisa jalan ke thailand dan sekitarnya, tapi akrena gw harus pindah dari ksan yang bayarnya per bulan ke kontrakan yang bayarnya setahun di muka jadi emang targetnya sedikit bergeser tapi alhamdulillah dah kecapai.


Dissatisfaction/Dissapointment

1. Meski alhamdulillah smeua target gw kecapai, tapi kayaknya cuma biasa-biasa aja. so...so... banget. Gak ada yang extra ordinary, gak ad ayang breakthrough. Kerja dengan prestasi so...so... Kayaknya gw belum berhasil negasih nilai tambah apapun dari yang gw kerjakan. MAlahan salah satu proposal yang sebagain besar gw bikin sendiri gak tembus. That was not something I should be proud of


2. Financial management. Gilingan... kontrol keuangan gw kacau abis.... setahun gw kerja gw gak bisa ganti tv yang rusak. Tidak ada benda baru dalam properti gw yang cukup signifikan kecuali baju atau sepatu. Well, salah satunya seharga 400rb yang gw beli akrena niat pengen punya sepatu awet bermerk crocs mode cewe sebagai ganti sepatu sendal gw yang ganti 3 bulans ekali akrena pasti jebol. Gw belilah tuh sepatu. sayangnya gw lupa kalo gw tuh punya keturunan di bagian telapak kaki gw (namanya mata ikan apa ya?) itu tuh besar. JAdi kalo dipake bentar gak kerasa sempitnya tapi kalo dipake agak lama jadi kerasa sempit. gak optimum deh tuh sepatu, hiks...hiks.. Selain itu gw juga ngerasa bangkrut terus. Apa sebabnya..... hobi wisata kuliner gw! Kalau dalam hal memanjakan selera makan, mewah banget deh idup gw. Gw kayaknya bisa turut menyalahkan bapak rian farisa, dan ibu lishia erza sebagai penggoda utama yang bisa bikin gw menghabiskan makan 150rb per orang sekali makan di resto yang emang rasanya enaaaakkkkk. BErikutnya urutan penggoda dipegang oleh ibu Imelda Theresia dan Bapak ARezka Ari. Huhuhuhu bisa sekitar 25% gaji gw abis buat manjain lidah dan di sisi lain tabungan gw gak bertambah. selalu merasa miskin di akhir bulan padahal mah kalo dipikir2 hidup mewah. Kebangetan sampe gak bisa kurban karena gak punya tabungan.


3. Oh priaaaaaaaaaa... kau memang jalangkung. Datang tak diundang, pulang tak diantar, diundang gak datang-datang, diusir gak pergi-pergi.


Stupidity

1. Stop playing game with something uniportan and dangerous for my dignity and pride. thank God I could stop on time and know how to extinguish the fire. Otherwise, I'll get burnt anytime, anyhow.

2. Membiarkan semua blog, catatan perjalanan dan review makanan gw teronggok begitu saja tanpa menghasilkan sesuatu yang lebih optimal.

Reflection

Sepertinya belakangan ini gw lebih reflektif orangnya. hoek cuih, geuleuh pisan bahasanya. Lebih mikir dan berdialog ke dalam instead of outside. Lebih autis dibanding biasanya. Gw lebih suka ngambil foto fenomena alam yang hopefully bisa breathtaking dibanding ngegaya dan masuk dalam setiap frame foto, something I would do during the previous year. Semakin bertanya-tanya tentang banyak hal: God, culture, religion, believe, social life, and so on and so foth tapi juga berusaha mencari jawabannya inside and outside. Tapi dari semua hal yang terjadi dalam hidup gw, ada satu kesimpulan. Positive thinking, tanamkan dalam diri dan pikiran gw kalo semua bisa dicapai dan berdoa....... pokoknya kudu yakiiiiiiinnnnn
Baiklah setelah membahas masa lalu, mari memimpikan masa depan. Ada beberapa hal yang pengen gw capai

1. Belajar berenaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnggggg!!!!! Dipikir-pikir,, gw ini sering dan seneng jalan-jalan ke pantai. cuma karena gak bisa berenang, sayang banget gak sepenuhnya gw bisa nikmatin jalan-jalan gw. Kurang pol aja gituuuuuuu

2. Nabung...nabung...nabung... ayo berhemat.... korbankan perut mewahmu demi jalan-jalan ke luar negeri (duh... kurang keren yah cita-citanya?) peduli ah.

3. Belajar ngefoto lebih oke meski kamera SLR hanya impian, hiks.... makanya nabung!!!!

4. FINANCIAL CONTROL. wajib, kudu, harus, fardhu 'ain hukumnya

5. Kurban...... ayo dunk, for the first time

6. Apply lagi buat beasiswa ke inggris di akhir 2009

7. Yang paling penting, adalah tahun 2009 tuh harus jadi the year of breakthrough. HArus extra ordinary untuk semua hal. Kerjaan, jalan2, makan2, harus ada yang extra ordinary gimanapun caranya. Gak boleh ad alagi pencapaian yang biasa-biasa aja

8. Salah satu atau beberapa catatan perjalanan gw atau mungkin blog bisa diterbitin di majalah atau media yang lebih representative

9. Jalan-jalan ke Thailand, Vietnam, Kamboja. Kalo agk jadi berarti target sekundernya selesai project Aceh gw mau nyusurin Sumatra dari mulai MEdan ke bawah sampe Lampung atau bahkan Krakatau.

Untuk mencapai itu semua tentu saja Kerja Keras, pikiran positive, semangat dan DOA!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and year 2009 begiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn. GANBATE KUDASAI!